I am sitting right now trying to think something to write about.And so this "me-me attitude" again just surfaced and so maybe I might be talking about myself.But then a glint of inspiration just came to my mind and maybe the sail will change to another route.
Anyway, this is not a story about me...It's about someone else.
I've been living my whole life proving myself to almost anyone I know. That the moment I go out the house, at the back of my mind, there is always this guard that's set up too high thinking that at the end of the day...I should always be going home with total satisfaction.A winner!
Maybe it started with how my father brought me up. I was raised with an iron hand! Being a lawyer father...this type of dictatorial governance was so extreme that I thought I was a maltreated prisoner by then. That whatever I do will always be scrutinized and carefully criticized and if I committed mistakes, there was always this black leather belt ready to be raised and slashed to my skin,leaving ugly and raw welts.And the verbal abuse was just another story.The booming voice of my father was so thunderous that sometimes I can hear it even in my dreams. That there are times that I woke up panting, breathing raggedly and rapidly with heart pounding because of fear! He is a total nightmare!His verbal insults were so hard to swallow that sometimes I gagged because of the pain that it caused me.I have to agree that the verbal abuse was more horrible and painful than the welts of the belt in my skin. The welts can fade away...but the emotional wound was so hard to forget. I am being belittled and my dignity was slowly being poisoned by my own father.I know by then that this was slowly contaminating me as a person and there was a time I was so insecure and emotionally weak that even going out...I was so scared to do.That I am so afraid of commiting errors for the fear of the red raw marks and the machine-gun of tongue-lashings.
And when I started to comprehend how inhumane his treatment was?I started to learn how to fight back!The weakness that I felt turned into pure hate and this turned into my strength to talk back.I want to hurt him verbally the way he is attacking me. There was an instance that I cut his belt into two and I cursed it for causing me a lot of pain. But he just bought another one..more sturdy than the first.There was even a time that I really wish that he will drop dead! Totally dead.I am no longer seeing him as a father but he is an archrival...an enemy in our house that there was always this silent mutiny....with the burning hate seen in everyone's eyes..the anger caged in our little hearts.I was like a hungry tiger..ready to pounce back anytime.
But eventually...I was so tired of a game that nobody is winning and nobody is losing. I tried to listen to him half-heartedly and then when I was able to realize his intentions are good..then I came to accept that he is not really doing it to prove his worth.And that all of those are just for me to be molded in this hard, harsh world!It opened my eyes one day when we had a heart-to-heart talk. I can't forget when he looked me directly into my eyes and told me that"The hardest part in a life of a child is to lose his parents...that no matter how you tell them that you love them...it wouldn't matter because they can't hear you anymore ".My mother once confided that my father usually sobs after we fought..the differences were so glaring that he fears that sooner..he will lose his daughter's respect for him. That moment...that time...I was able to see my father in another angle.For the first time in my life..the hate that i felt towards him made a 360 degrees turnaround.Everything became so clear to me...and I just realized what a big jerk I was!
And so... that was the time I made good in my studies. I badly want to make it up to him.I've been a big disgrace to him.I did everything to prove him my worth.His praises were so overwhelming!I wrote once an article and sent it to a leading newspaper and it was published...when learned about it...boy was he proud!And there was a time I was a representative of our department for a university-wide essay writing contest and I was the champion.The first time that I was a dean's lister...my father who doesn't usually go to this type of occasion accompanied me for the very first time in the stage..I will never forget those real smiles plastered in his face.
Anyway, this is not a story about me...It's about someone else.
I've been living my whole life proving myself to almost anyone I know. That the moment I go out the house, at the back of my mind, there is always this guard that's set up too high thinking that at the end of the day...I should always be going home with total satisfaction.A winner!
Maybe it started with how my father brought me up. I was raised with an iron hand! Being a lawyer father...this type of dictatorial governance was so extreme that I thought I was a maltreated prisoner by then. That whatever I do will always be scrutinized and carefully criticized and if I committed mistakes, there was always this black leather belt ready to be raised and slashed to my skin,leaving ugly and raw welts.And the verbal abuse was just another story.The booming voice of my father was so thunderous that sometimes I can hear it even in my dreams. That there are times that I woke up panting, breathing raggedly and rapidly with heart pounding because of fear! He is a total nightmare!His verbal insults were so hard to swallow that sometimes I gagged because of the pain that it caused me.I have to agree that the verbal abuse was more horrible and painful than the welts of the belt in my skin. The welts can fade away...but the emotional wound was so hard to forget. I am being belittled and my dignity was slowly being poisoned by my own father.I know by then that this was slowly contaminating me as a person and there was a time I was so insecure and emotionally weak that even going out...I was so scared to do.That I am so afraid of commiting errors for the fear of the red raw marks and the machine-gun of tongue-lashings.
And when I started to comprehend how inhumane his treatment was?I started to learn how to fight back!The weakness that I felt turned into pure hate and this turned into my strength to talk back.I want to hurt him verbally the way he is attacking me. There was an instance that I cut his belt into two and I cursed it for causing me a lot of pain. But he just bought another one..more sturdy than the first.There was even a time that I really wish that he will drop dead! Totally dead.I am no longer seeing him as a father but he is an archrival...an enemy in our house that there was always this silent mutiny....with the burning hate seen in everyone's eyes..the anger caged in our little hearts.I was like a hungry tiger..ready to pounce back anytime.
But eventually...I was so tired of a game that nobody is winning and nobody is losing. I tried to listen to him half-heartedly and then when I was able to realize his intentions are good..then I came to accept that he is not really doing it to prove his worth.And that all of those are just for me to be molded in this hard, harsh world!It opened my eyes one day when we had a heart-to-heart talk. I can't forget when he looked me directly into my eyes and told me that"The hardest part in a life of a child is to lose his parents...that no matter how you tell them that you love them...it wouldn't matter because they can't hear you anymore ".My mother once confided that my father usually sobs after we fought..the differences were so glaring that he fears that sooner..he will lose his daughter's respect for him. That moment...that time...I was able to see my father in another angle.For the first time in my life..the hate that i felt towards him made a 360 degrees turnaround.Everything became so clear to me...and I just realized what a big jerk I was!
And so... that was the time I made good in my studies. I badly want to make it up to him.I've been a big disgrace to him.I did everything to prove him my worth.His praises were so overwhelming!I wrote once an article and sent it to a leading newspaper and it was published...when learned about it...boy was he proud!And there was a time I was a representative of our department for a university-wide essay writing contest and I was the champion.The first time that I was a dean's lister...my father who doesn't usually go to this type of occasion accompanied me for the very first time in the stage..I will never forget those real smiles plastered in his face.
But then he died!He died when I was already ready to embrace the life that was totally changed because of him. He died when I was already on the climb almost reaching my peak. It hurts the hell out of me when he just went away...without him seeing how I established myself. And during his burial rites...some of his students confided that he was always mentioning me in his classes..telling me how proud he was of me. That pierced my heart that up until now..if I remember it...I can't help but to cry my heart out of all the lost chances and the broken dreams because of his demise. To hear it from someone that my father was so proud of me despite the times I hurt him sometimes can cause me to be claustrophobic and I can't breath! And man!He was damn right...losing him is so hard, so painful that whenever I think of him...all of those hard facades that I built for years now just melt down like a burning candle in a snap.He affected me so much that the pain..the pain will always be there.
He will forever be an inspiration to me. He is always the biggest factor why I became a strong, independent, and calculated woman that I am now..He is always the force to still continue to prove myself.Maybe I will be forever proving myself to him. He might not be around now to see all the achievements that I have...but I know that he is so proud.And I will always make him proud of me. I'll make sure of that.
And his legacy will always be heard.His untold story will always be rekindled. His dignified memory(With his coat and tie and that attache case and his black long umbrella...his gap-tooth smile..and his intelligence and passion for life> will always be rekindled. One asked me if I will apply to my kids how he brought me up and I answered yes..I will be doing what he did...minus the belt and the insults!He has his shortcomings but I can say that he is the most gallant, most respected father of all !
Comments
Post a Comment