I started the pace with full of spirit and vibrance so I am so surprised now that I have this heavy emotional turmoil that can't just be washed out by million of sighs and silent defeated cries.I tried my best not to pull out my hair but my head is aching from controlling the anger boiling inside.This is too much to bear!
I went out thinking that it'll be another beautiful sunny day but boy..I was wrong!Maybe the world is not really all about the sunshine afterall.Maybe it's not always a place of clowns and multitude of happy faces.
It's been a while since I had this feeling.It's not because I lack of love or attention..but I don't really know where this melancholy is coming from.Maybe I need to find my way again..maybe I am so agitated of achieving things that are so near yet so far.Or maybe because it's been a while since I last talked to myself.Or maybe because..I need God.
A friend once told me that he went to a war and he almost killed an enemy.Another friend is so pissed because of another friend.And I am here in the middle of a pool of underlying emotions that maybe inspired me to be more emotional than ever and I am acting like a sponge...absorbing all of the negative things up until I wanna explode.
or maybe I really miss the feeling of giving time and talking to myself.I miss the taste of the salty tears while I am praying on my knees.Maybe I miss the time to fathom what I really wanna happen and how ristless I am to just start pacing the road that I've been long wanting to walk on.
Or maybe God is asking some time from me.He might be knocking on my door for a hundred times now and I am just ignoring His pleas.And now that He stopped trying to get my attention then that's the time I realized that I need Him too.Maybe I missed the feeling of praying in despair..of the feeling of defeat and the idea like a crying kid who is tearfully summoning his parents, telling them how somebody bullied him.
Or maybe I am tired of all the things that I saw, heard or felt that it affects me so much.
Or maybe I am human afterall..I know how to be happy and life tires me sometimes.Maybe there are times that I have to disappoint myself so that I will know how to straighten myself out eventually.That no matter how we think we are freaking smart..it doesn't mean to say that we are regal genuises of the world.
I am really tired and feeling down now right now.I feel defeated,I hate myself for not knowing what's bothering me now...I ain't sunny I'm telling you. But in the end..I will be begging down on my knees and will have a good cry..because tomorrow..I will bounce back higher and mighter again and the sun will be smiling back ..and my weariness today will just be a part of the history that will soon be gone and forgotten.
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